Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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