He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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