really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Damn victory sex feels great
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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