my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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