My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
