i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Who put my cat in the fridge?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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