We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
