Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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