I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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