Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I enjoy the company of your penis
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
