After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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