oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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