i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
