hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
