apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
