She said her name was "party"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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