Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
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