woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
