so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
