I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
