I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
