remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
