I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
