you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
