how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
