I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
