his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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