I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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