Nicole vs. Life
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself