The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson