if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions