Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
