New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
