two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
