My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
