Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Text me some of your sweat
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