i permit you to call me
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
