Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
