so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
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are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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