i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
