dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
my liver is dry heaving
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
