I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture