Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT