Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
