Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
