I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
