Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
a search helicopter?!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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