this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
