I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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