We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
