Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
