I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
