I accidentally had phone sex last night
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I could fuck to npr.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
