Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Someone shit on the floor
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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