True but thats because hes a fetus.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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