I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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