In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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