Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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