I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize