pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
